The McClellan's in Miranda's Words (mostly)

Okay, I know it has been several months since I have written and you may be wondering what has REALLY been happening with Dan and Miranda. Or you may simply feel relieved at this enjoyable hiatus of TMI and rambling pointless sagas. But just in case you are a member of the former category, we would like to reassure you that we are still alive, we’re mostly glad to be alive, and although it feels like much of our lives is incredibly repetitive and not worth relating, there have actually been a few interesting occurrences in the last little bit. However, out of perversity, we will leave a little bit for your imagination.

1. Hmmm, I had a birthday! At the end of September. And it was actually a pretty great birthday (and here is where you get to guess what made it great), because
A. Dan thoughtfully procured and wrapped several items of interest to Miranda (including Dance Dance Revolution) and managed to keep them all secret.
B. Miranda turned 30
C. Miranda’s boss used it as a great excuse to take the team out for a very posh and extensive lunch.
D. Miranda learned she was actually going to get a bonus for the year, beyond getting to keep her job.

2. Dan’s life has been getting a little bit busier, too. And he picked up a new hobby, which incidentally brought about a nice strained hamstring. Dan has discovered that warming up before exertion is getting more necessary, as is having a nice succession of cold packs on hand. Dan injured himself …
A. falling off the roof while fixing the rain gutters.
B. participating in the ward’s non-competitive league softball team.
C. fending off a brutal attack from Miranda.
D. during a desperate and brutal disc golf game with friends.

3. Dan really has been seeing lots of clients lately. Or at least he has lots of them scheduled, but they seem to have a habit of cancelling. Unfortunately, Dan is really trying to get all the hours possible so that he can get licensed in Oklahoma in November. This would have a two-fold benefit (at least!)
A. He would be eligible for a raise/promotion at work.
B. Now he can start seeing the REALLY fun cases.
C. He could forgo supervision (at least in one state).
D. He will know the right thing to do and say at all times (especially to his wife).

4. It feels like we have been doing lots and lots of travelling lately. I wonder if we have been put on the inactive list at church; I know I haven’t made it to our ward more than once a month lately. We have been gone a lot
A. Visiting Dan’s parents in Illinois.
B. Spending time with Miranda’s parents.
C. Making our annual pilgrimage to Nauvoo to camp with friends.
D. Celebrating our 10th Anniversary (just a little bit early) by having a romantic getaway to Mexico.

5. Miranda puked yesterday into the kitchen sink because
A. She has H1N1 influenza.
B. Dan shared his nasty sickies with her.
C. She has morning sickness.
D. She is struggling with bulemia.

SOLUTION GUIDE

1. A Great Birthday!!
The answer is All of the Above. I had a most fantastic birthday! I usually prefer to have the event be a little more under-wraps than it was this year. But something about having a huge number birthday like 30 seems to make people feel obligated to make a big deal of it. So my cubicle at work was flamboyantly decorated with balloons and extensively redundant pink and purple signs proclaiming the holiday and my age. Yes, I got an AMAZING lunch (the likes of which our pocketbook and digestive track has never seen), learned that my work appreciates me more than I would have expected considering the economy, and came home to a wonderful Dan and several unexpected and happy presents and cards from friends.

2. Dan’s Sport Injury
Dan and my dad did fix the gutters, but fortunately no one feel off the roof. None of his friends are in Dan’s class when it comes to disc golf (not so subtle reminder to Tom Merrell that Dan won in Nauvoo…this year), so no desperate or brutal disc golf games caused his limping. My brutal attacks on my husband usually leave no visual scars.

So the answer is: Dan is now part of the ward softball team, rather grandiosely named Helaman’s Warriors. While none of the members has succumbed to death, they all seem mightily prone to injury, not unlike the strippling warriors. Dan pulled his hamstring the same night our pitcher took a nice 90 mph line drive straight off the bat into his tibia. They both heroically endured to the end and went home to some serious ice treatment. While the team may struggle to put points on the scoreboard, we wives have a fun time cheering, chatting, and catching up on all the juicy details of each other’s lives.


3. Dan at Work
While I’m not sure how accurate answers B and D are, there is hope. J But definitely (if he is able to get enough clients to show up) he will be elevated to a full-fledged licensed counselor with a hopeful upgrade in his pay with LDS Family Services. Plus, he won’t have to go to supervision every week anymore! (Except he will have to continue his supervision in Arkansas since it will still be another decade before all their multifarious and persnickety requirements are met. )

4. No Longer Homebodies
Okay, so we haven’t done anything for our anniversary, but we will! Later. So the answer here is A, B, and C.

We have been trying to squeeze in as much time as we can with my parent’s before they leave (at the end of this month) to go on their mission to Kenya Nairobi. I am super excited for them and very proud of them. I’m so impressed at their going to live somewhere on the other side of the globe for a 18 months, to do the work of the Lord in a place they were called to go. Hooray for them!

Ironically almost, with my parents the picture of good health and happiness, we have Dan’s parents who are struggling with cancer. Okay, so only Karoleen is sick, but she is by no means the only one affected. We have been trying to visit and offer moral support to them, but of course, it feels like nothing really helps enough. Mom was admitted to the hospital almost two weeks ago for a bone marrow transplant and I didn’t realize how very awful it was to be. Even though it brings the chance for a cure or a nice remission, the process to achieve that is rather horrific and basically torturous. During our last visit, all we could really do is hold her hand and be there. I don’t know how Dad stands it. But I seriously believe he is a hero for withstanding and keeping going. Of course the question remains whether it is more agonizing to be suffering or to observe one you love and cherish suffering in most exquisite pain. Basically, I think both options REALLY STINK and I sure hope God has some great compensation for all this. Okay, I’m sure He does, but right now that doesn’t seem very comforting.

On a brighter note, we did meet our most excellent and enduring friends Tom and Wendi and their girls in Nauvoo for another great year’s adventure. We had some tasty campfire food. We walked Parley street where many of the early saints walked on their way out of Nauvoo. We played disc golf in beautiful scenery. And we played Mafia late at night with tiny diamond hail-drops periodically falling on us.

We had some very chilly weather, so I weenied out and opted for the cozy cabin complete with heater. Hey, 30 degrees is just too chilly to be shivering in a tent all night. Besides, a cold Miranda is a non-sleeping Miranda, which makes a very grumpy and cross Miranda indeed. Especially at this time. Which leads to our next point….

5. And Most Important (Drum roll please…)

YES!!!!! AFTER WAY TOO MANY YEARS WAITING, WE ARE FINALLY ACTUALLY GOING TO HAVE OUR OWN KID. As in, I am pregnant; with child; expecting; gestating; enceinte; in the family way; going to offer my husband a token of my affection; have a bun in the oven; we will have offspring; am in the mothering way; we are actually going to reproduce.
To get the serious data out of the way….. I am due May 3rd. Yes, I have been slightly pukey but not really that bad. It was just an off morning. But I must say, vomiting directly after ingesting breakfast is a serious waste! One, I spent time forcing that much into me and now it is rejected! Now I have to do it all again. But with something completely different. Plus it made me late for work AND I had to change my shirt because I really hate wearing vomit drool all day.

In case you cared, I will need to have a C-section, which is both a relief (because who WANTS to go through labor) and a huge fear - because what is scarier than have a gi-normous needle plunged into your back and your belly sliced open. Yeah, that part wasn’t ever included in my imaginings of what it might be like to actually have a baby. Although, I guess not much is really scarier than the idea of Dan and I actually being parents and having a kid that resembles us. Yeah, that’s a lot of scary ideas all at once. Hopefully you won’t have nightmares tonight.

On a lighter note, Dan is really enjoying sharing our news with people locally by interjecting slightly innocuous statements that imply without actually stating and then just continuing on in normal conversation. But he isn’t quite sure how to handle the manly congratulations that somehow convey that his virility may have been previously in question, but now has been proven.

Dan’s Man Cave

Apparently it is necessary for men to have a cave where they can retreat to do to manly things like eat raw meat, ponder their conquests, and yes, maim themselves with power tools. (All this time, I’ve been unfruitfully trying to meet this need with TV, disc golf, and mild road rage…what was I thinking?)

Anyhow, when we moved into our house we had a nice 10 by 20 foot shed in the back yard…with minor problems. (It was rotted through to the studs on one side.) So in an effort to show how quick I can learn and how brilliant I can be with my hands, I had Miranda’s dad (Tom) come out to help reside the beast. What better time than to spend all day outside that in the middle of a Oklahoma summer (most the work was done on July 4, 2008, it was only 90 degrees, but very humid…we sweat a lot).

But the heat inspired great ideas. Tom says we should insulate the building and put in a window and an A/C…and thus the start of the man cave. We finished three sides last July, but were unsure what we wanted to do with the front side.

After going through a bunch of options I chose to redo the door the same way it was before, just prettier. So here is the final product:

Truth be told, it’s not a man cave…it’s missing some very important features for that: large screen TV, recliner, refrigerator, shooting range, bat mobile, bar and barmaids, and of course a virtual disc golf course. I guess I have a little more work to do?

(The inside still looks like a shed...nice shed, but sad man cave.)

Month in the Life of Dan

So I get back from DC ready to get back into work. I did all my normal paperwork before I left and planned 2-3 Fridays to get my adoption paperwork done. I was pretty confident it would all go smoothly. Just as pride cometh before the fall, confidence precedes the realization that the world is actually designed to make you feel like you just sat on a bicycle without its seat. (Try it…not the bicycle seat thing, that’s not recommend under any circumstances. Try being really confident for a week or so particularly about your skills, then you will find that planning is quite futile when you don’t control your life in the first place.)

Long story short, the days that were planned for paperwork were filled with classes that I was told that I did not need to take, but really I DID need to take them-- and by June if I wanted to keep seeing clients in AR. FUN! So a busy job became a lot busier and paperwork did not get done. Old and new paperwork combined forces to form an almost invincible demon. Think Germany and Italy in the 40s, or Lex Luther and The Joker (Heath Ledger form, not Jack Nicholas of course), or an Obama-Biden ticket (ok so that one should have been easy to beat if we hadn’t thrown McCain and Palin at them…come on what kind of Democrat spy infiltrated the ranks and convinced someone that would work?…). Now add all of those evil duos together with a touch of Gadianton robber and pinch of Korihor and you have an idea of the foe that I faced with my paperwork challenge.

First line of defense was the “Europe pre-WWII” line: If I ignore this it won’t hurt me! Germany is building a big army again…Darn them! (I’m sure the paperwork will go away if I let it build up just enough to reach critical mass and explode). They invaded Czechoslovakia…Naughty, naughty! (I’m confident it will be easier next week.) As Poland would be the first to tell you, the avoid tactic doesn’t seem to work.

Step two: Fight the big one first. The adoptive home studies are a pain, but they approve people so they can adopt…guess I should focus on them. They seemed to be winning at times (Luther had me drowning with Kryptonite around my neck at the bottom of his pool while Heath Ledger was hitting me with a iron pipe and sending dogs after me). I killed them both along with four home studies and various other adoption related paperwork.

[Sidebar: I have a couple out of state right now getting ready to be placed with tomorrow. The secretary out there calls me at church for paperwork that worker NEEDS NOW! I rush to the office, can’t get in, my key card won’t work. I can download some of the paperwork he asked for. I do that, fill it out (which is mainly the couple’s name and address), and send it off. Mind you this is stuff I would usually do myself if I had a couple in from out of town. The worker calls and says he actually did fill it out, but just wanted to make sure we would not do it differently (it’s the EXACT SAME FORMS and the couple’s name has not changed in the last few hours). Then I find out they don’t need it until tomorrow at ten…thanks for wasting my Sunday afternoon. GRRR! I now return you to your normally scheduled waste of time.]

So after I defeat the major villains, I move on to the nefarious ongoing task of swimming against the tide of ever producing, never ending trivial duties of paperwork related to any clinical practice. I view this much like the fight that rational people all over the states have to endure daily as they try to sort through the morass of meaningless minutiae and moronic movements created by our Dictator and Chief. (You know, they guy who we, as honorable and very delusional voters, allowed to pull the wool over our eyes and kick us in the rear while we were trying to buy another frivolous accoutrement with the stimulus money that Bush stole from our children just so this man could steal from their children and their children to fourth and fifth generation.) Well, in my case, I beat the paperwork and ended the week with NO paperwork left, NONE, ZIP, ZERO, ZILCH. Woohoo.

Oh yeah also in this time, I finished the shed (or started the “man cave” yet to be seen); played a couple games of disc golf (mostly with the bishop and his family over Memorial weekend); avoided becoming octa-dad; spent a night at girls camp on short notice; with Miranda’s help, wrapped a young high school graduate’s room (or much of the stuff in it) with aluminum foil and her boyfriend’s car with saran wrap while it was parked at the theater (They responded by putting my car on Craigslist…fortunately it didn’t post right and I only got one call.); saw My Fair Lady; and generally was an amazing husband, friend, person…no wonder it’s been so long since I have blogged.

Friends in DC

In an effort to be convenient many of our friends from previous locations have now moved to DC. (If they were trying to be very convenient they would have moved to Tulsa, but some people feel that it does not have the same appeal of DC—me included).

The Gregorys and the Ellsworths were great friends and companions at BYU. The Gregorys were our neighbors in the same house (different apartments) and had I been blogging then, you likely would have thought we had no other friends as we did most everything together (e.g. camping, gardening—theirs successful, ours yielding the one onion mentioned in an earlier blog, birthdays, vicious card games…) but fortunately we had other amazing friends like the Ellsworths, too.

Apparently, our continued presence must be somewhat addictive, as Aaron thought it was worth it to fly home for the weekend from his Air Force training in MS to hangout with us. (Aaron, it was great seeing you …You Rock! Hopefully, it wasn’t too unbearable to hang out with us.) We spent Saturday with the Gregorys in Mt Vernon and spent the night at their house. We went to church with them on Sunday and had dinner with them and the Ellsworths. It was great fun.

Lori braved the DC traffic on Wednesday to bring her kids to the zoo with us. On Tuesday it was supposed to rain all day so we postponed our visit to the zoo till Wednesday. It didn’t rain until 7pm. On Wednesday the forecast said no rain until 7 and when we got there around 11 it started to hail on us. We stayed inside for a bit and it let up. The rest of the day was spent with off and on showers, some of them sufficient to make one quite wet. But fun was had by all and no one died of pneumonia or even the swine flu… It was amazing to see our BYU friends and their families. I love to see the kids grow and it was nice that they Gregorys kids were so affectionate, even the ones that never met us before. (Lori said it’s kind of rare for them to be so open and we both felt flattered).

We also had some Abilene friends. The Budds are Air Force folk and are headed to Germany in June so we had to schedule our trip before they left (although we’re thinking about scheduling a visit to them in Germany…it’s in the dream stage right now). Raina and Miranda were quite close and it was wonderful to get back together. They have amazing children who are all growing up to be even more amazing. She says the secret is to be very firm, but to show lots and lots of love. Easy in principle, but they have done a great job at putting it into practice.

Our final friend that we visited was also from Abilene. Kristi is a ray of sunshine in a world of self-doubt and self-pity. She’s amazingly self-confident and upbeat and reminds us each time that we meet that one can be humble and still recognize the greatness that they have been blessed with. She took us around the monuments at night and once again it rained on us and we had a wonderful time. (There was a beautiful photo op from the Lincoln Monument. Looking past the Washington Monument and on past the Capital building there was some great lightning…too bad I didn’t have the right camera.) Anyhow, it was a pleasure to spend time with her and all our friends. There is no doubt that our lives have been enriched by these people and that we are better because of them.

Family in DC

We stayed with Miranda’s sister and her family while in DC. They were amazing and gracious and we had a great time. Rebecca took us thrift store shopping (always fun for me), to a great hamburger place (I don’t like hamburgers and this was actually so good that I was excited to return later in the week), and was basically an amazing hostess.

It was wonderful spending time with the nieces and nephew. It is always a hoot to hear and participate in conversations that we normally miss, not having children of our own. “Sometimes I scratch my bottom and then my fingers stink.” “I poopied in my underwears, see Daddy all the poopies” “Uncle Dan didn’t know the word for ‘wetlands,’ I think I know more Spanish than Dan does” (from a seven year old in a Spanish immersion class). There were others, but those are the ones that come to my immediate recollection.

We had a great time and it was nice to be the amazing aunt and uncle and to get little kid hugs and affection. But it was tiring.

Washington DC

As stated we had some very frustrating and long weeks and were quite happy that we had planned a trip to DC much earlier in the year. It came at the right time. (Perfectly the right time. I had an adoptive placement with work on Thursday 4-16 and did not get home until midnight and then we left on Friday. I had been worried my trip was going to be interrupted and was not happy.)

We had a wonderful time.

Brigham Young's Statue in the Capital

The back of the Capital

We went to Mt Vernon with the Gregorys, spent some time on the National Mall, in museums, at the Zoo (with the Gregorys also), went to the temple, toured the Capital, enjoyed public transportation, played disc golf (I was close to a hole-in-one and even others on the course were quite impressed. Alas, close is insignificant when I must continue to bow to Tom and his amazingly (lucky) skillful (lucky) shot that has proven to be his only mentionable disc golf achievement, and yet I still bow my head in shame.), and generally had a great time.

Miranda with Rocks at the Natural History Museum

The train station by the zoo (location of the tallest escalator in the US, woo!)

Washington DC Temple

The most impressive and touching thing for me was going to National Archives and being able to see the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and other impressive documents. It gives me hope. If those men could, against all odds, achieve the great things that they did, then perhaps we can, against all odds, improve the chaotic world and moral decay we find ourselves in…perhaps?

Gardening, etc…

For a while I refused to post anything, because after the wonderful week in IL, I had the pleasure of going through a couple of heckish weeks and did not want to just spend time complaining. So I refused to post anything.

Well I neglected to post on the one highlight of the next three weeks:

OUR GARDEN

Miranda has been super obsessed about starting a garden this year. After disagreeing about where to put the garden (I thought the middle of the yard seemed kinda weird, but what do I know), I finally said, “Of course you’re right dear, what can I do to make this wish come true?” and the garden was started.

Miranda felt strongly that we would be better people and more accomplished if we started our garden from seeds. Being that our success with gardens in the past has been limited to the growth of one onion, I had my doubts. I felt that our current mode of gardening was working quite well. (We’d skip the planting, growing, and harvesting parts in favor of the picking the veggies up at the store form of gardening.) My next thought was to by actual plants and plant them and try not to kill them before they started producing fruit. (We have been successful at not killing the plants in our yard so I had some hope with this plan.)

Miranda was unmoved. She got little peat planting containers and planted seeds and my wife stopped talking to me… Okay, that’s not quite the truth. She just spent a lot more time talking to our plants. Obsession is the word that she used to describe her behaviors (e.g. talking to them first thing in the morning and right when she got home, worrying about them most of the time she was not near them, fearing that thinning them out would actually convince the non-thinned plants that she was a plant serial killer and thus causing them to wilt in terror, and even calling the house and singing to them on the answering machine when we left for vacation—ok so the last thing didn’t happen, but the others, ALL TRUE!)

Anyhow, we’ve had some success with peas, beans, some herbs, and cucumber. But some of the other things we went back to my plan of buying actual plants and trying not to kill them. The garden is not quite in the middle of the yard, but conveniently located in a place that will require deconstruction and replacing grass when we hope to sell the house. (Unless someone else has a very stalwart spouse who is convinced that the money/time to build the garden, plant the seeds, cultivate, harvest, etc. is better than buying produce…then maybe we will rejoice.)

(In case you wondered, I am not actually against the garden, it’s been kinda fun.)

(This pic is so you can look at the old lattice work.)

My most recent outside project was the lattice work on one of our fences. It was not overly difficult on the technical level but doing all by myself and without a ladder added to the fun. I think it looks better (although I learned after I purchased and cut the lattice that I could have ordered in grey and it would have matched our fence better…but nothing to hang myself over) and it was also quite fun to do.

DO MORE BLOGGING!

All this whining and complaining…Why doesn’t Dan post on his blog more? Why doesn’t he share his inner most secrets and elaborate upon the wonders of the universe? Why can’t we get another glimpse into the crazed mind of one who deals with crazed minds? And most of all what happened to your fear of the letter X?

Well here you go…a whole slew of posts all in a row. So here you go all you naysayers and murmurers: I have posted, you are enlightened, and we are all enriched.

Wonderful Week

Miranda and I decided to take a well deserved break. I worked Monday and Tuesday (driving 540 miles) and then had dinner with Miranda before leaving around 6:30 to drive to my parents in Lake in the Hills, IL (another 730 miles). Mom has been doing much better (she spent the last 1/4 of 2008 in the hospital), but was feeling lonely so we thought we would come and visit. It worked well because Kera (my sister) and Andy (Miranda’s brother) and their five kids came out because they were out of school. Miranda flew out Thursday evening and we drove home on Sunday.

Highlights of the week:

Greatest highlight of the week was seeing mom and dad doing so well. Mom was able to go to the aquarium with the grandkids, she played games with us, came to the Jelly-Belly Factory, went thrift store shopping, etc. This is amazing after all that she has gone through. We realize that we probably wore her out and that she will be exhausted for the next week, but I know she felt it was worth it. It’s was nice to see dad less stressed out; he may not agree that his anxiety is down. He is still quite anxious with work and mom, but looked so much happier and healthier than the past few times.

It was great to see Kera, Andy, and the kids. It’s nice to see them grow and interact (even when it’s not in the most friendly of ways). To add to the fun, I was able to play the role of gracious uncle by kindly purchasing the habanero pepper Nathan wanted to try. He did not like it as much as he thought he would. They liked us so much that they decided to change their plans and spend another day with us (and a few more with mom and dad)...perhaps the transmission problems their car had also encouraged them to stick around. Anyhow, whatever the reason, it was great to see them for a little longer.

And then no trip to IL is complete without the Merrells? Wendi and the girls made it to the Jelly-Belly Factory with us and we met Tom for lunch at their house. Then they came to our rescue and lent us a car so we could save Kera and Andy. (Their car broke down on their trip out of town, fortunately they were only an hour away.) Most importantly, was our round of disc golf. We found that our favorite course has been expanded (six more holes). This was fortunate for me as I made up a “stroke” on the new holes and avoided the humiliation of being beat by a sub-par disc golfer...we tied this time around. We saved the humiliation for later in the evening when Tom beat us at both the card games that we played.

So overall, an amazing week.

OSHA Would Not Approve

Well we had the wonderful opportunity to go out to Mountain Home, AR again and slave away at clearing trees devastated by last month’s ice storm. We were getting a very large fire going until the neighbor told us there was a burn ban (probably a wise idea as part of the in-laws’ land had already caught on fire this week due to the neighbor’s burning ice storm debris).

So we packed up the trailer and toted some off to the dump site. As we clean up more and more of the stuff on the ground Miranda’s mom gets more and more eager to get the limbs that are still dangling from the trees. So each time we go out she encourages me to climb higher and higher. (She says it’s to clear the limbs, but it could be her subtle way of thinning out the unsavories from the family tree.)

From picture one it does not seem like such an issue to remove the limbs…

Picture two shows that maybe I should have some used OSHA approved safety equipment.

Picture three shows the real danger of the day...Dan in the bucket while his father-in-law drives. Show of trust or example of insanity? You decide.

Funny thing is that, in the end, Miranda was left with burns when an errant ember eluded her evasive endeavors and embedded itself on her epidermis, Tom (Miranda’s dad) severely scraped his shins while (not so) skillfully skittering away as a seriously stubborn stick sought a settling of scores for his sturdy sawing, and Dan, though placed on many a precarious perch, passed the partially pleasant performance without problem or pain.

Miranda's Alter Ego or "The Miranda Freak Show"

Miranda has found a new and somewhat embarrassing role in our new locale; she’s become the fashion project for various females. For those of you who know her, you know that outward appearance (particularly clothes and makeup) fall rather low on Miranda’s priority list (somewhere after getting up really early to exercise but before spending hours reading Cosmo).

So, some wonderful and generally entertaining ladies in the ward have been subtly encouraging her to try makeup, do stuff with her hair, and get new clothes. So what has been the end result:

“The Miranda Freak Show”

(Miranda’s title, not mine)

So her friend convinced her to get a leopard print skirt and “hooker” boots. After she got her outfit together she went to her friend’s house for the runway experience. Unbeknownst to her she had missed an appointment with another friend who owns a salon to get her brows plucked and her hair straightened. (She didn’t know about the appointment because she did not set it up; her first friend did, but had neglected to tell her about it.) Anyhow, so she went from friend A’s house to friend B’s salon and was squeezed in. (At least she called home and asked how I felt about her straightening her hair, what a nice wife.)

(Well, here's proof that Miranda really does have multiple personalities)

The next day was Sunday and actually did become the “Miranda Show” (I don’t think she was freaky). We sang in the choir and sat on the stand and more than one person told me they had to lean over and ask their spouse who the new girl was. Miranda was very much the center of many people’s attention and she liked it a little less than she likes going to the dentist (not a semi-annual experience for her due to her utter disdain).

Comments of the day:

“Who’s that sitting next to...? No, that’s not Miranda.” (This turned into a long discussion between the husband and wife as they tried to prove each other wrong).

A friend of ours came to me and said, “I hope you don’t mind that a happily married man told your happily married wife that she looked Smokin`”

The bishop (a good friend) said, “Wow, I’d date her”

And one of the Laurels noted that she was “Sexy” (not a word that Miranda really wants her young women to be using).

Miranda could probably add some more comments, but you get the idea.

As noted, she did not really like the attention and between the added work and the embarrassment is unlikely to do this on a regular basis...but it might be nice to see happen more often than her trips to the dentist.

Miranda said if she had to be a freak then at least I had to wear suspenders for her...sounded like a good deal...so here I am.

What's the Use of Friends?

Friends are there for the good times:
And the bad (like when BYU loses):

Friends are good for games:
For covert ops:
For weird family torture rituals:
Friends keep their eyes out for you:

Sometimes, friends even take 1400 miles detour just to decorate Easter Eggs (okay, maybe not just for that):
Friends get you into trouble,
But then, they can get you out again, too:
Oh yeah, and it’s nice when they have cute kids:

Well, I figured I do an "Ode to the Merrells" for Tom's birthday. Happy Birthday Tom!! Thanks, for being you and having such a great family, you've all been great friends and we're better for having you in our lives. (Thanks to others for letting me reminisce a little.)

Chiaphobia

It has been brought to my attention that some of you feel that I spelled Quijote wrong. You feel that I should have used the English spelling of the word which replaces the ‘J’ with the letter found between ‘W’ and ‘Y’ in the alphabet. While I am sure that I could bore you with a thousand reasons why I have elected the current spelling, but I will limit it to two:

First: Don Quijote is a Spanish character in a Spanish book written by a Spanish author and it takes place in Spain. So, I feel justified in using the correct spelling. (I don’t plan on spelling my name different if I go to Spain.)

Secondly, and more importantly, as far as I am concerned there are only 25 letters in the alphabet. I don’t believe in the letter between ‘W’ and ‘Y’ and therefore will not be using it in my blog.* Okay, the truth is I have Chiaphobia. No, that’s not the fear of Chia Pets, although they should be feared as they are disturbing and if ignorant people were to keep feeding them they would eventually gain sentience and kill their owners (It happened once, see the front page of the New York Times dated January 15, 1983, or just look at the information I have included from a very reliable source.**) Chiaphobia is the fear of the letter between ‘W’ and ‘Y’ (Chi is the Greek name for that letter and as it does not contain unsaid letter, therefore I can use it, but it would be confusing if I substituted Chi into the middle of words…how dumb would that be.) Anyhow, for those of you who love the Chi-Files or waited in line to watch Chi-Men I, II, and III; sorry, go get your Chi somewhere else.

*Disclaimer: this in no way represents nor should be should be construed as a contractual agreement with my devout readers.

** “Chia Pet is commonly seen just sitting there on the middle of the table or counter, but this is just its menacing way of quietly planning out its neCHIt attack on the victim. The average Chia pet has to eat 1 person per week to survive.

Local Wal-Marts are now beginning to carry a new type of pet food: This is guaranteed to keep your Chia pet from eating you to death or a money back guarantee!

It is made from puppies imported directly from China and processed to provide several weeks worth of bottom-saving alternative nutrition. The Chia Pet is a highly poisinous creature that can spit a stream of it's Ch Ch Ch Chiaaaaaaaah poison accuratly up two 20 feet, thus preventing you from running because it's very close to the effects of acid the difference is that it will send you into convulsions and eat through your skin. You won't be able to scream anything but " CH CH CH CH CHIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAH PET!!!!" If you don't believe me you can check the Nevada police records, The file will state " Victim of homicide case # 1120, neighbors state that all they could hear was " CH CH CH CH CHIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAH PET!!!!" and then a vicious eating noises." So if you ever think about buying a Chia pet think again.” http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Chia_pet

Ice, ice everywhere and not a frozen pole to stick my tongue to

Hope you found that last account amusing. Here are some pictures of what happened in our life this last week. The first two are in our yard. Fortunately we did not get as much ice as last year or as much as other places around us. The other pics were taken less than an hour from our house. What looks like a snowy wonderland is really just a lot of ice. It was actually quite impressive.

General Laziness

I must apologize to all of you who have been faithfully following my blog. Your devotion has been true and, well devout; but here I have failed in my proper duty of posting on a weekly basis, as a minimum. I did so well the first week and have now become a disappointment to you and the world at large. This will change. I have yet to be defeated by my many responsibilities or my general laziness.

Speaking of General Laziness, I think I have been well acquainted with him over the last couple of years. Here’s the story:

Once upon a time in a land far, far away (Provo) there was a small hamlet (BYU). While being apprenticed to an evil tyrant (BYU Spanish Dept) our great hero decided to embark upon a masterful quest with his sidekick (at this point the sidekick was Aaron…he succeeded on the quest where Dan failed…or the quest changed or something). We argued that we lived in a great country and we should do our part to improve it by subjecting ourselves to torment and ridicule and join the Air Force (okay so the ridicule only comes from the Marines).

Thanks to the inspiration of Aaron, Dan decided that he should look at being a Chaplain. (Aaron decided to go into Air Force finances and continues with them to this day. So what, that his noble quest has succeeded better than our hero’s. It’s not like sidekicks are stupid or something. Where would The Lone Ranger be without Tonto; the Inspector Gadget never would have succeeded at solving a single case without Penny or the dog; and think about the great lines we would never utter without Robin, “Holey, rusted metal, Batman.”)

Back to the narrative: In following said pursuit I enrolled in my Masters program and joined the Air Force Reserves. I went through sissy boot camp. (It was for doctors, chaplains, and lawyers; they cleaned our rooms and made our beds for us…it was really a disappointment actually, but Miranda liked that I came home ripped…a state that no longer is.) At the end of my Masters, due to reasons too numerous to elaborate upon, I filed the appropriate papers to be discharged from the AF. They were filed in Feb 2005.

Here is where we meet our nemesis, General Laziness. I never heard anything from the AF about my discharge. I called regularly for a few months and nothing so I left them alone. In Feb 2006 I asked them what was happening and they said “It’s not on their priority list.” So I left it alone and contacted them various times to tell them I had moved (which has happened all too regularly in the past 5 years).

Finally, I move to Tulsa (July 2007). I hadn’t updated my address with them yet and the church Military Relations Office calls and says, “The Air Force thinks you’re AWOL.” That’s Absent Without Leave, or Absolutely Weird Old Lout, either way it’s a bad thing. Seems General Laziness after 2.5 years lost my paperwork. Fortunately, I did not and I forwarded it to them (including the letter from the church dated when they should have discharged me) and avoided telling him how dumb I thought he was which is good because then I would have been AWOL, Absolutely Without Life.

In another demonstration of his competence, General Laziness never forwarded my changes of address to the rest of the Air Force Reserves as was my understanding and while they discharged me in July of 2008 (note one year after they said I was AWOL, maybe it’s American With Obstreperous Lady, but that doesn’t really apply, so who knows), I only found out about my discharge in Feb 2009, only 4 years later. (Maybe what none of realizes is that the war in Iraq has been over for a couple of years, but the paperwork won’t show that until 2011).

A Name, A Name, What's in a Name

So I had planned on starting this blog last week, but I couldn't think of a name for it. That's always been the worst part for me when it comes to starting stories or papers. Here are some of the rejected names:

Wit and Whimsy - I wasn't sure that my wit was good enough or my whimsy sufficiently fantastic for this noble title

Dan’s Magical World of Nonsense (with credit to Krissy and the world within her marvelous head) - even without the parenthetical commentary it seemed too long.

Those were the only things that came to my uncreative mind until I was encouraged to try anagrams. Then some great things appeared particularly with “Daniel Robert”:

Detail Reborn - For an OCD person this was great, but I kept looking
Barren Toiled - Accurate, but depressing
Learned Orbit and Notable Rider - Both seemed presumptuous, but possible
Inert Lead Orb - Was more accurate, but it was the antithesis of Learned Orbit and I didn’t want to seem too stupid to my audience (that also precluded the use of I Noble Retard...which was my favorite anagram for my name)
Tabloid en Err - Great because I am quite scandalous at times, but again didn’t seem quite right
At Borderline - Almost perfect as it is where my clients drive me, but then I thought of my favorite Spanish hero:

Don Quijote
What’s a better summation of Dan than an aging man with only half his sanity. He straps on armor constructed out of random metal objects found around his home, jumps on his noble steed (an equally decrepit donkey) and with his friend(s) goes on a quest for misadventure. This in the hopes that he just might be worthy to win the love of his sweet Dulcinea. [Now the story does not quite a mirror here, I must interject at my wife’s honor. In no way should it be construed that Miranda, my fearless Dulcinea, was ever spawned in a dung heap nor has she ever carried on a career so unsavory as that shared by the character in the original story. (She at one time had a co-worker who professed to celebrate Lesbian Thursdays, but that is probably the closest she has come to profiting from immorality).] I digress...

Truth be told, I felt a keen connection with said character of fact and fiction and decided to share many of my misadventures under his onerous perspicacity.